Silence
by demitruli
Summary: [Canon, OS] Covering April's side of the story from the second 10x12 ended to the second 10x13 began.


Silence.

Complete and utter silence. It laid on my skin like a poison, seeping into my every pore, slowly paralyzing me from either speech or movement. Not a single whispering noise, not a single rustling reached my ears. Even the birds, which had been singing their joyful melody –so fitting for this day a mere minute ago- seemed to have suddenly gone dead quiet. It was as if nature conspired to make this moment a thousand times more difficult than it already was.

There was absolute stillness. Everything was frozen. The people seemed like statues, not blinking, not breathing. Time felt as if it had stopped. But it hadn't. If there was one thing I was aware of it was this. The clock was ticking, time was running like the wind and I needed to say something. To react somehow.

I let out a chilling ball of air that was searing the walls of my lungs, but he tension didn't nearly leave my body. Even my own breath seemed to die as soon as it left my mouth. It was an eerie sort of tranquility, so instead of being soothed my senses became heightened. I could feel the stare of every single person in the big old barn piercing through my skin, tearing up my insides as if they were thin pieces of fabric. I could hear the man next to me grit his teeth, I could feel the waves of anger that were radiating from his body crash against my own. The man that was on the verge of becoming my husband. Or rather, _had_ been a single minute ago, but as for now…

And that was when I focused my every sense on _him_.

He was just standing there across the aisle, his dark suit in contrast to the light color of the carpet crossing the barn. His arms were glued to his sides, his palms clenched into fists. The sparkling ocean of his crystalline eyes staring back at me. Eyes that were wider than I had even seen them before, expecting, too, a reaction.

" _I love you._ "

The words he had spoken just seconds ago echoed in my ears, a soft whisper filled with emotions hidden and suppressed for so long. They were just now beginning to settle in, shaking me to the core.

He loved me.

Warmth crawled up inside me as I clenched my fists tightly, until my nails dig into the palms of my hands, but I barely even noticed. The only thing I was really aware of was the sound of my heart throbbing against the cage of my chest.

He wanted to be with me. He wanted us to be together. He loved me. _Jackson_ loved me.

" _And I think… that you love me too. Do you?"_

Yes. Yes I did. _That_ I knew. And that's what made this decision unbearable. If only he had said those words when I had given him the chance, when I had asked him to give me a reason not to get married, I wouldn't have wasted a spit second to say I loved him back. I would have run away with him. We would have been together.

But no matter how much I wanted to turn back time, to never have been with Mathew, to never let _him_ go… No matter how much I _loved_ him, I was marrying Mathew now. This was my wedding day. It was too late.

He couldn't know that the only reason I was choosing Matthew right now was because I had promised him that I would be his wife and I didn't want to break that promise, humiliating him in front of _everyone_ we knew. In front of my parents. In front of God.

He couldn't know that all I wanted right now was to leave this stupid barn behind and run up to him. He couldn't know that I loved him too much for both our sakes. That since the moment I clearly saw him, since my lips first crashed against his own, I always knew he was the one for me. And he could never know that, because now it was too late.

This wasn't my choice. Not anymore. In another place, in another time, I would have been able to choose, and I'd choose him. I'd choose him a thousand times and a thousand times more. I'd choose him every day for the rest of my life, every second we were together. I'd choose him. But this wasn't my choice. With everyone here staring right at me, I had no choice left. I had to say that I didn't love him. How else would I ever be able to look Matthew in the eyes again? How else would Jackson ever be able to move on? I had to break his heart, even if it would destroy me too.

Bracing myself for what was about to happen, I opened my mouth, sucking in the breath that would form the words to change both our lives forever. But once I tried to actually form them, nothing came out. I just stood there, in my wedding day, the best freaking day of my life with everyone's eyes on me and my mouth hanging open, unable to form a single word.

Oh why, why was this happening to me? Why did he have to make everything so difficult? Why did he have to put me in this position, he knew I had no choice! Why was he so selfish, ruining my wedding day like that? Why didn't he say those words that shifted my whole word when I basically begged him to? Why now? _Why?_

"April." Matthew mumbled from my left, his tone demanding. Angry. God, he was mad at me, and he had every right to be. I had just been standing here speechless, frozen as a statue, for what seemed like centuries. Even _I_ was mad at myself.

 _Say it. Just say it._

I looked back at Jackson again, and noticed his entire body was now slightly shaking. His jaw was clenched, his nostrils dilated but his shoulders weren't moving. He wasn't breathing. I looked at him and saw the boy that had been my very best friend through the toughest years of my life. The boy that had always been there, that had seen me in my best and worst, that stood by me even though he didn't always agree with me, even though he didn't always understand me. But I also saw the man that I had lost my virginity to. The man that had made me feel loved more than anyone else had, made me feel things I didn't even know I was capable of feeling. The man that changed me forever. The man that I loved.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie. I couldn't pretend anymore. This was too much.

I finally felt the tears I knew were coming welling in my eyes, and once I closed them a pair of tears slid down, rolling against my cheeks.

I pictured it, then. Us. What our life could be like. We could be together, finally without having restraints. Nothing holding us back, no hiding, no sneaking around and having quick sex in on call rooms. We could move in together, in his nice, big apartment with the hardwood floors and the washing machine. We would cuddle on that big gray couch of his and have that mind-blowing sex of ours on his huge, real, actual bed. We would wake up to each other every morning, go to work together and then come back home to sleep together every night. I would do all the cooking, of course, I didn't want to get food poisoning. And one day we could even get married. But this time it might just be somewhere where there'd only be the two of us. So that I would get to choose him for me, and not because I don't want to let anyone down. When I would finally be able to say _I do_ , and mean it with every inch of my heart, feel it in every cell of my body. And then we might have kids as well. Two boys and a girl. Our babies, with my dimples and his eyes. They would be perfect. And we would be so happy.

I could feel my pulse, pounding against my temples. Already the adrenaline coursing unchecked, urging me to do what I cannot. I wanted this. Our life together, I wanted it so bad. I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything in my entire life. More than my dreamy, butterfly wedding. More than my parents approval. More than keeping my promise to my perfect prince charming.

The hell with them all. This was my life. My choice.

And I chose him.

God would understand.

My eyes snapped open, looking for only one thing. When they met his, I could feel him searching deep into my soul. And I let him.

With all my walls down I let him read my eyes. And when he finally blinked and took a deep breath, I knew he knew. Not a single word had been spoken but we had shared so much more. His mouth twitched, and I was pretty sure he was fighting a smile. I bit my lip fighting my own.

Wiping away the tears with a quick move, I grabbed on the front of my dress – God forbid I fell on my face on a time like this- and begun walking towards him. It felt like the gravity center changed, pulling me right on him. I trudged along the aisle at a hurried pace, my footsteps echoing throughout the large barn. I knew everyone's shocked, angry eyes were on me, but I couldn't bring myself to care. All I could focus on was the brilliant smile that was finally forming on his lips. Excitement rushed through my veins, my lower lip escaping my teeth's grip to twist, too, into a smile so wide it reached both my ears.

I only stopped walking when I reached him, standing just a couple of feet away from him. Now, I knew he had gotten the message loud and clear, but I at the moment I wanted everyone to hear it, not caring about the consequences.

"I do." The words came out loud and clear, not a glimpse of hesitation in my voice. "I love you too."

I watched in awe as happiness flared in his eyes and for the first time in a while it began to in mine too. I felt it pass through me like a warm ocean wave, a tingly feeling in my fingers and toes. It soaked right into my bones, leaving me dizzy with exaltation, savoring the felicity that fizzled in my heart.

" _APRIL KEPNER!_ " my mom's voice filled with raw, burning fury pierced through my ears.

"Shit." Jackson mattered, his eyes widening.

I was surprised when a giggle escaped my mouth but I didn't bother stopping it. In fact, fits of loud laughter begun emerging from my throat, as I grabbed Jackson's hand. He looked at me, surprised too by my laughter, but wasting no time to join in, as I pulled him towards the huge, wooden entrance of the barn.

And then we were running.

* * *

 ** _[A/N] Okay, this is by far the cheesiest thing I've ever written, I don't know why it came out like this, but I actually liked it quite a bit. After all, with everything that's happening on the show right now, we all need some Japril fluff, don't we? ;)_**

 ** _Please, let me hear your thoughts on this by leaving a review! Just a couple of words are enough to make my day, I love hearing what you guys think!_**


End file.
